Brad Petersen

Imagine for a moment that you’re writing an ad selling a video that shows golfers how to lower their golf score. An obvious benefit headline might be:

“Lower Your Golf Score.”

And once upon a time, this simple statement of benefit might have been sufficient to sell the video. It’s what your prospects want, after all.

The problem is, this promise is vague, flat and, worst of all, is the same old thing they’ve been promised again and again. And therefore much too easy for the prospect to glance at the headline, shrug his shoulders and move on.

There are several ways you could improve this headline. The first and most obvious would be to add the words “How to” or “How You Can” before the main promise. This has been proven time and time again to lift response.

Then perhaps add some specificity — another proven response booster.  So your new headline might look like this:

“How to Lower Your Golf Score By Up to 10 Strokes”

Your headline is getting better, but you can do better still by beefing up the promise even further. This time you add a couple of additional benefits that also explain how the primary benefit of lowering your golf score is achieved.

And while you’re at it, you might as well replace the boring word “lower” with the more powerful word “slash.” With these change your headline now looks like this:

“How to Add 50 Yards to Your Drives, Eliminate Hooks and Slices, and Slash Your Golf Score By Up to 10 Strokes Almost Overnight”

Can you see how much better this is than the original, “Lower Your Golf Score”?  It’s a solid headline that would probably sell a lot of videos.

But still, they’ve seen promises like this before, so the headline needs something more.

How about a story or a twist that hooks your prospects and sends their curiosity into overdrive.

Perhaps even something like this from my old friend copywriter extraordinaire John Carlton — a classic headline for an ad that ran for more than eight years in golf magazines:

“Amazing Secret Discovered By One-Legged Golfer Adds 50 Yards to Your Drives, Eliminates Hooks and Slices… and Can Slash Up to 10 Strokes From Your Game Almost Overnight”

What John has done is made a powerful and specific promise that meshes perfectly with what his prospects want — and he’s added a paradoxical story that instantly activates their innate curiosity and practically compels them to read the ad.

It’s a powerful old school copywriting technique that has been used over and over to improve the pulling power of countess ads and sales letter.

Here are a few classic — and highly successful — headline examples

“How a Fool Stunt Made Me a Star Salesman”

“How I Made a Fortune With a ‘Fool Idea’”

“How a Bald-Headed Barber Helped Save My Hair”

“How Doctors Stay Well While Treating Sick People All Day”

“How a Strange Accident Saved Me From Baldness”

The lesson: When you set out to write your next ad or sales letter, search out and use intriguing stories to illustrate the benefits of what you’re selling. When it comes to getting readership, there’s nothing more powerful and compelling.

“You think you’ve got problems?

“Well, I remember when a bank turned me down for $200 loan. Now I lend money to the bank — Certificates of Deposit at $100,000 a crack.

“I remember the day a car dealer got a little nervous because I was a couple of months behind in my payments — and repossessed my car. Now I own a Rolls Royce. I paid $43,000 for it — cash.

“I remember the day my wife phoned me, crying, because the landlord had shown up at the house, demanding his rent — and we didn’t have the money to pay it.

“Now we own five homes. Two are on the oceanfront in California (I use one as my office). One is a lakefront “cabin” in Washington, (that’s where we spend the whole summer — loafing, fishing, swimming, and sailing.) One is a condominium on a sunny beach in Mexico. And one is snuggled right on the best beach of the best island in Hawaii — Maui.”

Thus starts Joe Karbo’s successful space ad from the early 1970s, “Too Busy Earning a Living to Make Any Money?,” selling his justly famous book, The Lazy Man’s Way to Riches.

There’s so much to unpack in this powerful lead, but right now I want to focus on the power of storytelling.

While Karbo’s ad doesn’t tell a classic narrative story, it still tells a powerful story — the story of a man who was down on his luck (to put it mildly), and what happened when he discovered the real secret to making money.

One of the reasons the ad worked so well is that we humans love compelling stories — especially stories about underdogs overcoming obstacles and ultimately coming out on top. Think Ragged Dick, Luke Skywalker, Harry Potter and, of course, Joe Karbo.

By telling a good story in your advertising, you can slip right past your prospect’s natural defenses to share why your product or service is the key to them getting what they want.

And your prospects will find it a lot more interesting and compelling than a bare recitation of facts or a laundry list of benefits.

I can’t say it any better than fundraising legend Jerry Huntsinger in his classic guide Fund Raising Letters:

“Give up some of your cherished logic — and start telling stories. Instead of quoting figures about starvation in East Africa, tell the story of one mother who is watching her family starve.

“Instead of explaining in great medical detail the principal causes of lung cancer, tell about one single person with black death, his fears, his expense.

“Don’t dwell on the $50,000 needed for the scholarship fund. Instead, focus in on that freshman Dick Jones, and tell how a $100 scholarship will help him finish the semester.

“Instead of statistical examples on broken arms, and big toe transplants, feature a mother finding the greatest happiness in life when she gives birth to her first son.”

Bottom line: Start telling more stories in your sales copy… stories about people whose lives have been changed by your product or service… stories about those who ignored your product or service and crashed and burned as a result… and stories about how you discovered the secrets you are so eager to share with your prospects.

And then sit back and watch your response soar.